Our Infertility Story, Part Two

…continued from Part One

We are, as Dr. O’Malley put it his article,”Waiting for Gabriel,” one of those couples who finally became pregnant.

I winced when I read his words.  I had forgotten the pain associated with hearing those stories.

However, I see that the pain of infertility does remain after the long-awaited baby arrives.

I’d like to feel normal and healthy, but the endometriosis is still here.

I wish for intimacy without pain, but the endometriosis is still here.

I’m ready for another little one, but the endometriosis is still here.

Gratitude.  Sometimes it’s hard to have.   The thing is, I am grateful.  I am happy.  My restlessness was not “cured” because I had a child, but because, after the birth of that child, after experiencing terrible baby blues, after “achieving” the life I had longed for and found that life just as difficult, just as hard, if not harder, than the life before, I sought help.  Not just medical help.  I am powerless over so much, and yet God is faithful.  But I needed to see that in all areas of my life, not just with regards my fertility.

So, yes, I am grateful.  I have a beautiful son.  I have found peace in my life.  I know that, however life happens, no matter the circumstances, good or bad, God will continue to bless our family with an abundance of love.

But the heart has been stirred.  I’d like another little one.  My husband would like another little one.  I think our son would like a sibling, though he doesn’t know it yet.

And thus begins another infertility journey.

Here’s what I want and don’t want to do:  I want to be honest.  Endo stinks.  But I don’t want to be a whiner.  I’ve been whining about it this past week, here on the blog.  Sorry about that.

Instead, I want to live in faith.   God is good, all the time!

Will you pray for me?  Pray that I might be cheerful?  Pray that I might be content?

And (dare I ask, publically?) pray that we might be blessed with another little one?

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8 thoughts on “Our Infertility Story, Part Two

  1. “Instead, I want to live in faith. God is good, all the time!”

    I remember taking a long walk with SW during college and talking about faith and sadness. We were both young Evangelical Christians who sincerely believed but who struggled, in different ways, with substantial depression and grief.

    Depression wasn’t exactly stigmatized in the Evangelical churches I was a part of, but there was a general sense that God — who was “good, all the time” — really ought to be an answer to that. That if we felt sadness, it was because of something cutting us off from understanding or partaking in something that could admit nothing but joy.

    I think this was a deeply immature aspect of Evangelicalism, and I hope Catholicism in your experience is different. Grief and sadness are real and legitimate, and even if the god you believe in is himself good or has an ultimate good in mind, the particular things you experience are not always good.

    I can’t pray for any of the things that you ask, but I will say that I have found significant solace in losing, through my conversion to atheism, any sense that the world has some kind of moral framework that it ought to fit in. Many things in my life are good for me; some things aren’t. Eventually I’ll encounter something that is The Final Bad Thing. No god has to justify it: it’s up to me to live as well and beautifully as I can.

  2. Oh Rhonda…this was just beautiful. What a writer you are! I had seen that you posted earlier..but really wanted to take the time to savor every word. I’m glad I had that time tonight :) There are no words for trying to understand the reasoning of pain, of suffering…or even of trials. But in the end, somehow, it all will (or does) make sense. That, I do believe. I will MOST definitely be praying for you and your husband during this time. I will pray for a new sweet little babe…but most importantly, I will pray for a strong sense of peace and acceptance AND joy in God’s will. It sounds like you have that already, quite frankly. Even amidst the days that may not feel like it.

    Praying for you.

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